"When I grow up I wanna be...."

For the longest time, this question has puzzled me.  It has probably been the most frustrating phrase of my entire life, why?  Because I didn't have an answer.  I always felt like I should have one clear thing that I should want to do with my life, and pursue it.  That is what you do in this modern day & age.  You pick a dream, and you follow it.  But what if you have several dreams, and one doesn't seem to pull stronger than the other.  What if you aren't really sure if there is one thing you want to be when you grow up.  Up until a couple of nights ago, I was still under the impression, that at the age of 28 years old, I was a lost cause.  A failure at this late age, having not gone to college or picked a clear career path.  I've had several jobs, that I've attempted to devote all of myself to, but it never worked.  Sure I enjoyed them, I've worked for an HVAC company, a radio station, and two wonderful OB/GYN doctors.  And everytime I got a new job, I felt like I had something that I had to prove.  That I was going to be just as good as my two amazing sisters, who have amazing jobs that they have been at for years and to my knowledge, love.  Then there is my husband, who has always loved his field of employment, is passionate about what he does, and plans on continuing his education in this field. So with every new job, came a new opportunity.  An opportunity to become like these people that I greatly admire.  However, every time I could only convince myself so far.  That part of me that wanted so bad to be "responsible" was also miserable.  Two or three years into my new "career" and I was unable to convince myself it was worth dreading getting up everyday.  And every time I left a job, it would take me months to get back to a place were I felt good about myself and didn't feel like the world's biggest failure.  No matter why the reason for leaving, I was always sure that in the end it was because I just wasn't good enough.  You may wonder, well was she fired?  No, that was not the case, but I would beat myself up as if it was.  Always feeling like, "I should know by now what I want to be", but I didn't. 

Finally after years and years of this endless cycle, I realize, its okay.  I don't have to be like everyone else.  I don't have to know, and I don't have to pick one thing.  I'm a very smart, motivated, hardworking woman.  There are so many things that I want to do with my life.  I know that I won't be able to do them all, but I don't have to limit myself to one profession just because its what most people do.  I don't want a career.  I just want a job.  There's a big difference, and knowing that is really freeing.  I no longer feel like I have to feel bad because I'm not like my family or friends.   To many people reading this, it may seem like no big deal, but honestly since my junior year in high school, when everyone was talking & thinking about college, this has been a major issue for me.  Finally I feel okay about myself, my past & future career paths.  Notice I used paths, because I know that I will have several opportunities ahead of me.  Work is work, but it doesn't have to be miserable.  I know so many people who have gone to school for the PhD's only to hate the field and position that they just spent years and thousands of dollars pursuing.  Now that the weight is lifted, I'm excited to think about the my future.  I'm excited about all the things I will be able to do, now that I no longer feel the need to limit myself.